Saturday, December 22, 2012

My Inner Turmoil

This photograph of what we know as pretty much the saddest scene of Disney films in the 1990s (Or I do, at least) pretty much describes how I'm feeling right now. Let me give you a small rundown of how I've felt lately.
Every time I sit down to write, a sense of anticipation fills me. I will complete the adventure my characters are having. The adventure will, ultimately, end in happiness. But the thing is: the journey isn't over yet. It's only in the third book. And there's this quote by Ray Bradbury that describes very accurately how my third book will end:
"I have torn up the future."
My third book ends in tragedy. I've known this for almost three years, since I outlined the book. At the time, I was excited for it. For the first time, I would be writing something that would be so heartwrenching, people who read it would be utterly affected.
Thing is... I didn't anticipate how I would feel. I'm not even there yet, but I'm close. I'm a mere few days away from reaching this irrevocable point in my book's plot. I've been begging myself to change the ending. These characters...these same characters...have been a part of me since I was eight years old. That's nine years, people.
After a nine-year-journey, one of my characters will fall.
But can I do it? When the mere thought of preparing to end the book and move on to the next one makes my hands shake and I lose all motivation to continue writing, what should I do? I didn't plan the book this way for vain reasons. It just seemed that it was how the book wrapped up...the chain of events that occurred up to this time led up to the inevitable sacrifice of this character.
Today a few tears escaped me when I realized how close this event was. I'm going to have to force myself to stop writing at least until after Christmas. I'm going to be a wreck if I write it and end up reaching that point tomorrow or something. It truly feels like the end of the world.
But here's the thing...
I realized it's possible for a miracle to transpire in the book. There is one crucial element in the book that was supposed to be destroyed, but suppose that this element's destruction is delayed by...say...five minutes. If I did that, this character could live.
I want this character to live. For the book to progress realistically, however, I must defy my own whimsical wishes. So those who say the writer can do whatever they want? You're a liar if you say that. I want to stop this tragedy from transpiring. It's tearing me up. I've never felt so distressed over something I haven't yet written. At the same time, I'm not distressed. I'm excited!
I don't even know how to process my emotions right now. How can I be so excited for a scene and terrified of it and sad about it at the same time? How can I be so proud that I'm going to write it, yet so devastated by it? I've never wrote something like this before. I never expected it would be so hard. I feel like a piece of me is going to die. And I feel like I'm cheating if I avert the ending.
*DEEP BREATH* Wow... I needed to get that off my chest. I've sort of been half-heartedly rambling about it to some of my friends, but it never seemed to work. Then I realized, "Oh, yeah! I have a blog! A writing blog!" So here I am...rambling to you.
If you read this, thanks. (: If you have tips on how to handle this waterfall of emotions spiraling inside of me, they're welcome. Also, I apologize for any errors that might be in this post. I didn't proofread it...
Also, thank you for providing the links to your blogs! I wish you all Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas, and if I don't post again by then, Happy New Year!


  1. Oh, I've only ever written tragedies!! Here's what you can do: write both endings. I do think that if you go with the safer ending, you won't feel as fulfilled as if you go with the ending you've been preparing for. But who knows? You might like the safer ending better. If the character does die, make sure it is inevitable. And sometimes, it is good to feel these emotions :) You'll have that much more power in your actual writing, and it will (if done correctly) turn out with a tremendous conclusion.

    1. Thanks, SC! I actually did manage to go through with just writing the full-on tragedy the first go-round, and I didn't want to tempt myself by writing the safe ending. I'm pleased with how it turned out, however. Despite all my tears. Sobbing at 4 AM. Lol (:

  2. Either having conflicting emotions about writing tragic happenings for our beloved characters is normal, or you and I are a couple of weirdos.

    I've had to tear up the future, tear up the past, and sob my eyes out on fictional friends' behalves. It's awful and it's awesome.

    As far as writers being able to do whatever they want... We can. But, to paraphrase Apostle Paul, the fact that we *can* do a thing doesn't mean that we *should*. Not every story path will ring true, no matter how much we might wish that it would. Not every tragedy is required, and not every happy ending is feasible.

    Do whatever's best for your book, Kendra, and bask in whatever emotions that gives you!


      Emotions were very consuming by the time I tore up the future. It's an empowering feeling to feel for these characters like they're our own family members...but at the same time it's awful. As you said, awful and awesome. Thanks, Danielle! <3